I know I have been a whiny bitch of late regarding the whole being in the committee again shit and I also realised neither Twitter nor Facebook can take all my rants down at a time, so I'm just going to spill it all here.

Last year, when Adit asked me if I wanted to be the next SL, I said yes because I was still taking in the sights of my new university life and never really thought it through properly. And besides, I thought to myself, how hard could it be? Boy, was I wrong.

People will say that, "oh, I should do this because it's for something greater than myself." Thing is, you only do something like that if you feel for it, and unfortunately, I have lost that passion for a few months now. Towards the end of my term, I felt it dreary to go for practices. I felt as though I did not learn anything nor feel the usual goosebumps. It was mostly just mindless singing. I'm not saying the choir is bad, but I somehow just lost that connection along the way to feel anything from the collective. And so I felt it would have been a complete waste of time if not for the few beautiful friends that I could look forward to seeing and talking to and (notwithstanding a certain someone picking me up) going home with.

Taken from my perspective, selfish though it may be, I felt I had no choice in this matter, which left me immensely bitter about everything because I wanted as much as, or maybe even more than, all the other SLs to be relieved of our duties when our term ends. So because there was 'no one' to take over me, I had no where to go but to be 'volunteered' for this again, despite my vehement opposition. Yes I know, peer pressure does things to you.

So I thought I would just bite the bullet and bare with it for one more semester, what with all my volunteers to 'help' me, bless their souls. Then a few hours ago, Gab called me to ask how many tenors would be willing to go to Europe for $2500 and get those numbers ASAP. A horrifying realisation dawned upon me - I would be responsible for them in Europe if I go! Not only that, I would have to contend with late night meetings after everyone was dismissed to go do their own things for the night. Again, one might argue that since I anticipate this, I could try to make sure it doesn't happen. But come on, which choir trip had the committee all relaxed and late-night-meetingless? And the horrible meetings that plagued Hangzhou obviously did not help.

It would have been a whole lot easier to rationalise this whole fuck-up if I was the only one, but no, somehow my SC also kena volunteered, at the expense of his exchange at that. But if I had to rationalise it to my benefit nonetheless, this is what I would say. That the SC post is a big one; it is going to look good on his resume years later to be a music leader of an entire choir for two straight terms. In other words, it adds tangible value to his future prospects. In comparison, a 'section leader' in the leadership segment of one's resume would warrant nothing more than cursory glance. And I guess one has to play this game of politics right if he wants his conducting future to not be fraught with danger. Another not-so-nice reason would also be that Gab's very reputation is his own undoing; it is exceedingly difficult for anyone to match, or even come close to that reputation. Now before you berate me on conjuring up with such a soulless argument, remember that I no longer possess that, for want of a better term, passion anymore, so these are the arguments I could muster thus far, no doubt cold but I believe to be logical.

Someone told me that I should just quit this position now before the new committee starts. Now if I do that without anyone to take over me properly, it would cause a lot of trouble for the choir, or at least for the section. I don't think I would be able to come to choir and just participate as a normal member for the Europe trip while in blatant knowledge of being the very cause for that missing tenor SL or face whoever unfortunate enough to be thrusted into that position I walked out from. I might be thick-skinned, but my skin is not THAT thick.

So if I were to quit the position, I would also very likely quit the choir as well.

Labels: Bitch Fits, Emotions

2:28 AM